The kid got a new iPod Touch for Christmas. She had a first generation version of the same for several years, but technology got ahead of it, and we finally reached the point where we stopped being able to update the OS for it. She’d used it straight into its obsolescence.
So it seemed a good gift, replacing it for her. At the time.
Some of you might not know this, but the newer versions of the iPod touch come with messaging. Basically, it’s just like regular cell phone text messaging, except 1) it’s free, and 2) these messages can only be exchanged between iPod Touches and other Apple devices – ie, iPhones, other iPod Touches, and iPads. AND THIS IS HOW APPLE TAKES OVER THE WORLD. FREE MESSAGING AND KITTENS FOR EVERYONE! LOVE, APPLE.
As you might imagine, the kid was pretty geeked about having this new capability – basically that she was now able to summon the attention of Her Adults to her, no matter where they might be, no matter what they might be doing or how important that thing they were doing might be, day or night, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now she was the master with the whistle, and we adults were her obliging, smartphone-addicted canine-like servants.
But with great technological power comes great responsibility. Or, you know, not. AT ALL.
It started off innocently enough.
Yes, yes – big bad pig ate apple. But of course! Why, that makes total sense. And one could understand why any reasonable person would feel that needed to be shared. And in 5 separate individual text messages. Each coming in several minutes apart. For emphasis.
But things rapidly began spiraling out.
What I gathered from this is that the GOP had kidnapped her and taken her to IKEA. But I could be wrong. I tried reading it upside down to see if it was some kind of inverted secret code, but no dice.
These text go on. And on. And on. And it seems there’s no stopping them. I did, after all, get her the goddamn piece of shit iPod Touch, didn’t I? WHY WOULD I DO SUCH A THING IF IT DIDN’T WANT TO BE TEXTED THE LETTERSOUP-LIKE NAMES OF STYLISH YET AFFORDABLE SWEDISH FURNITURE ITEMS AND HOUSEWARES CONSTANTLY, HUH? I MADE MY SVELVIK BED WITH ALVINE ÖRTER DUVET COVER AND PILLOWCASES, MUST GO LIE DOWN IN IT NOW, BRB. ARRGH.